From salvationarmyusa.org

GENESEO, NY — I was performing my annual 3 R’s routine recently — Rotary Ringing for the Red-Kettle — at the local big box store and saw some interesting shopper patterns while standing there.  As the venerable philosopher, Yogi Berra once said, "You can observe a lot by just watching." And I observed what I consider some fascinating incidents.

Take for example one man who approached me at the beginning of my shift.  I didn’t know him personally but I observed the Notre Dame sweatshirt he was wearing.  I couldn’t help but think to myself that he must be pleased now that his favorite college has finally hired another football coach for their storied program.

What made this guy stand out in my mind was the fact that, no more than ten minutes later he came out of the store with a shopping bag with about 3-4 items in it.  That was it.  He had done all of his shopping in 10 minutes!

Then there was a lady who I did recognize who went into the store during my first day of ringing.  And, this is the truth.  I saw her walking out of the store a week later on my second day of ringing.  She was wearing the same coat and was carrying a bag with perhaps 5 or 6 items in it.  I got to thinking, with a sandwich shop in the store and some fine rest rooms, she COULD HAVE been there the whole week shopping for about the same number of items that the Notre Dame fan bought the week before.

Who knows?

There were several shoppers who each had a story of their own I am sure.  But the common thread woven throughout my observations was that everyone was walking out of the store with many gifts for the upcoming season.

And, speaking of gifts, it you haven’t been able to find the right one for that hard-to-buy-for relative, I have some ideas for you.  That’s right, back in spite of popular demand are some suggestions on some very fine gifts to round out your holiday list.

Since it’s a Sunday let’s kick off with some toys for all of those youngsters out there who like something unique, but not necessarily in good taste.  Take for example “Toothpaste Pete” who makes brushing your teeth a little more fun. Pete attaches to standard tooth paste tubes and dispenses paste straight through his mouth.  The “gross” price of this one-of-a kind device is only $4.99.

Not to be outdone Pete’s cousins, “Ketchup Charlie” and “Mustard Marvin” provide similar amenities.

Charlie claims to transform your ordinary ketchup bottle into an instant toy by dispensing his spicy delight through his nose.  He lets it “run” all over your fries, hot dogs and anything else that ketchup tastes good on.

Marvin takes a page out of Pete’s book by passing mustard from his mouth to yours.  Sounds kind of French to me.  You can get Marvin, Charlie and Pete for a steal — only $3.99 each.

Here’s a perfect gift for those of you who are trying to reduce your ecological footprint. How about giving a lovely set of stemless wine glasses made from actual recycled windshields?

Talk about style and eco-consciousness!  These glasses still retain a slightly green tint from the actual windshield glass.  Handmade in Columbia, they make an excellent conversation piece and for only $22.  There’s no mention of a guarantee that they will be bug-free but what do you want for $11 a glass?

Here’s a gift that just shouts out international fair trade: "Pancho the Singing Chihuahua.  Pancho just loves Christmas.  Just pinch his paw and he’ll sing “Feliz Navidad” and do a little doggie dance as well. He sways back and forth on his paws while his mouth moves while singing.  Dressed in a sombrero and poncho, he is ready to perform for you and your guests.  You can have that very special Latin Christmas for only $24.95!

¡Ay Chihuahua!

Okay, so you say you are the insecure intellectual type and you want to make people think you’re normal. Well this book, appropriately titled- “How To Make People Think You’re Normal” is the perfect gift you can give.  It’s a funny idea for those special persons in your life and the cost is only $7.95.  At that price you can buy a gross and completely turn around your image.  The book’s author offers a good reason to buy it- “If this book is in your hip pocket when a dog bites you, it could save your tattoo”.

I’m sold and I don’t even have a tattoo on my derriere.

You say you’re looking for a funny gift for a food lover? In a pickle for wacky gift idea?

Try the Wacky Yodelling Pickle for only $12.95!

This hilarious animatronic pickle yodels when you press the button on top.  It is one of the more unique gag gifts ever seen.  It will truly make someone’s Christmas a memorable one.

Do you have a friend who smokes?  Then consider the Ash Tray with Scary Sounds.

This cool ashtray is designed to look like a real pair of lungs.  As you place your cigarette on the edge, it starts coughing and screaming as though the cigarette is lighted up in a real lung.

This is a great gift for the smoker or the person who you want to give up smoking.  And is sells for just $29.00.

And, finally need a gift to show someone you're thinking about them? Want to raise someone's spirit and make them smile? Try sending some special Toilet Paper.  Just Thinking of You Toilet Paper will be sure to do just that!

There’s a humerous poem that just defies the good taste of this column.  So you will have to spend $14 to find out what it says.

In any event, whether you are finished with your Holiday shopping or waiting until the very last minute, keep in mind that being thankful for your own bounty is far more gratifying than receiving any present.

May you all have the gift of good health in the new year to come.

Tagged as: bellringing, Red Kettle, Salvation Army